March 26, 2004 | Diehard fans of Clerks, Dogma and Chasing Amy likely will be disappointed, if not pained, by the sentimental hokum of Jersey Girl, an atypically sappy effort by the normally smart-alecky Kevin Smith. Trouble is, dedicated non-fans of the maverick indie filmmaker won't be terribly impressed, either. Despite Smith's strenuous attempts to lift spirits and yank heartstrings, Jersey Girl resembles nothing so much as "a very special episode" of a routine TV sitcom.

The movie may merit at least a footnote in film history for being the second - and, presumably, last - on-screen pairing of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. (Feel free to insert your own Gigli joke here.) But be forewarned: As Gertrude, the loving wife of hotshot Manhattan music publicist Ollie Trinke (Affleck), Lopez barely makes it to the 12-minute mark before her character dies during childbirth. The tragedy leaves Ollie distraught, distressed - and, evidently, too traumatized to ever fully grasp the rudiments of changing diapers.

Does Ollie hire a live-in housekeeper, or at least a part-time babysitter? No way: This is the kind of shamelessly contrived comedy in which seemingly smart people must repeatedly do dumb things to keep the plot from grinding to a complete halt.

Ollie and his daughter - named Gertie, after her late mother - move to Highlands, N.J., so they can live with Bart (George Carlin), Ollie's widowed dad, who's employed by the local public works department. Time and again, Ollie leaves Gertie in Bart's care while he commutes to his Manhattan office. Eventually, Bart rebels against this imposition - after all, he does have his own job to handle - so, naturally, he picks the day of an important publicity event to leave Ollie literally holding the baby.

The stressed-for-success publicist buckles under the pressure of caring for a bawling infant while entertaining a Hard Rock Cafe-full of impatient reporters. So he snaps at the press, makes a rude comment about his tardy client - Will Smith, no less - and instantly earns living-legend status for doing what publicists usually only dream of doing. But that status doesn't save him from being canned for his impolitic outburst.

Years pass. Because of his notoriety, Ollie can't find employment as a publicist in Manhattan - or even in New Jersey, apparently - so he's stuck in a dead-end job alongside his father while trying to be a devoted dad for 8-year-old Gertie (Raquel Castro). He's too hung up on his late wife to seek any semblance of a love life - but only until he meets a perky video-store clerk (Liv Tyler).

Jersey Girl begins to build toward its predictably schmaltzy climax when Ollie finally lands a job interview with a Manhattan publicity agency. Unfortunately, the interview just happens to be scheduled for the very afternoon of the big musical revue at Gertie's school. But wait, there's more: Gertie insists that she doesn't want to live in Manhattan, that she wants to stay in the working-class New Jersey suburb, because she's used to life in the slow lane, far away from big-city hustle and bustle.

Which, of course, means that Ollie must choose between lunging at a once-in-a-lifetime chance to return to the work he loves - and would be extremely well-paid for - and remaining in Highlands as a public works employee because that's what his 8-year-old daughter wants. Never mind that, all things considered, Ollie might be a much happier and more fulfilled human being (and, not incidentally, might be able to better provide for his daughter) if he didn't settle for a life of diminished expectations. In an audience-pandering movie such as Jersey Girl, there's only one logical solution to Ollie's bogus moral dilemma: He must bow to his little girl's whim of iron.